I am content. (sorry, it's long)

Well, tonight Tommy and I just got done watching a movie and I just had an amazing thing come over me. No, it didn’t have anything to do with the movie, but it MAY have had a little to do with what happened AFTER the movie. For some reason, just now, when I was walking down the stairs from the kitchen, I just had the most wonderful feeling of joy come over me. You know, our house isn’t the biggest, most perfect house, but it’s OUR house. We are in the middle of a lot of construction and have been for some time now. All of the walls in our family room and dining room are only covered in sheet rock at the moment. We haven’t even got them taped and textured yet. We got some GROOVY yellow, green and rust colored carpets lining our floors as they wait for the texturing and painting to be done, before they can be replaced and you know what? ….. None of that even matters. I LOVE our house. No….. I love our HOME. I love my family. I love my life.

Tommy and I had decided that when we put our names on Parent Profiles, that we would only put it on for 3-6 months. He said three and I said six. Don’t you love how we agree? Well, the three month mark would have worked great for us, had the first prospective adoption worked out, but since it didn’t, we are looking at 6. We will take our names off that list on November 4th. You know, the really cool thing about it, is that I am completely okay with that. I love my life SO much at this very moment, that I am okay with it not changing. I love our 3 sweet, beautiful children and I especially love my wonderful husband. I just really couldn’t ask for more. I have always loved my life, but I have never been IN LOVE with my life until a little over a year ago. The experience that I went through then, (which if you’d like, you can read about on my Jan. 1, 2008 post) really truly changed my life. It made me see things in such a different way. It made me see life for what it REALLY is.

It made me realize that the whole reason we are here, is to be tested. It is up to us to take these challenges and beat them. Learn from them and become better people because of them. I would never wish any of my trials to not be mine, because I know they are there for a reason. You know, we just went through a crazy experience with a birth mom that ended up changing her mind just before we were to adopt her little girl, and she changed it back and forth since then at least 15 times. (That’s only if I was counting!) And the thing is I love that birth mom SO much. Even if everything she told us from the very beginning were a lie, I would STILL love her. I thank her so much for the experience that we shared with her. The entire beginning truly was one of the most amazing experiences in my life and I enjoyed every minute of it. After she changed her mind, it has been difficult for us at times, but ultimately, I wouldn’t have had her change any of that either. There were times through the whole experience and I would start to fall and not really feel like being Christ like, but usually Tommy would pick me up and I would do the best I could. THAT makes it all worth it to me. THAT makes the experience one that I wouldn’t trade. I feel like I just made it through one of my tests in life, and I feel like I bore it pretty well. I really do love Missy and even if I am one of the only people who will ever truly love her in this life time, I want her to know that I do. I really don’t care about anything she has ever done wrong to me. I don’t care if she has ever lied. I don’t care if she has ever purposely hurt me. I just really don’t care. I still love her anyway and nothing will ever change that.

At this moment in time, I am just content. I would love so much to have a new little one in our home. I truly would cherish every moment with that baby, because I know it will be our last. But if we aren’t blessed with a fourth child, I am now, completely okay with that thought. We have three of the most beautiful and amazing children that I feel like I really can’t ask for more. If God feels the need to add another child to our family I would be ecstatic, but if not, we have so much love for our children and are so grateful for the wonderful birth parents that they have, that right at this moment, I feel full and complete. I hope that one day, everyone can have this feeling of JOY that I am having right now. And I hope that this feeling stays with me for a very very long time.